Daily Song Journal

Blank Generation — Richard Hell | 12.11.2023

Wrote too much today. Don’t feel like writing anymore.

There’s A World — Sufjan Stevens | 12.10.2023

I put my foot on the gas a little bit today and began to really finalize all the projects I’m juggling. The Business of Video Games final proved to be the toughest battle, simply because I cannot access most of the research I want to, but I think I devised a strategy around it. End of the year blurbs are going to kill me, both for STATIC and personally, but it’s one of the most fulfilling things I do all year so I don’t mind it.

Amongst all of that, I found time to get breakfast with Jaz, clean the floor, play bass, guitar, and violin, and eat a sponge cake, as well as listen to some music. “There’s A World” appeared both on Sufjan’s latest and Harvest, which I heard for the first time on CD today. A gorgeous song, but I far prefer Sufjan’s take on it. After writing the blurbs for “Will Anybody Ever Love Me?” and Javelin, I literally found myself paralyzed, unable to move or do anything as I reckoned with the grief present on those songs. “There’s A World” is the hope that comes at the end of it, a hope I cling onto constantly even in times of joy. It’s a beautiful epilogue of a harrowing tale, and I think it will be the beautiful epilogue to my semester of success (hopefully.).

Simon Says [Remix] — Pharoahe Monch ft. Lady Luck, Method Man, Redman, Shabaam Sahdeeq, Busta Rhymes | 12.9.2023

Today was essentially my upper limit on mental strength; I had to literally drag myself back to the dorm and when I got there, I felt the strength to do nothing, not even sleep. I decided it was right to bring myself back to my glory days of 19 hour screen time and play video games for four hours straight. It proved to be incredibly therapeutic, especially when I started Outer Wilds, a beautiful game by the way.

That little mental break also resulted in an operating playlist of every verse and feature Method Man has ever recorded, which also resulted in my rediscovery of “Simon Says,” an awesome song that centers an awesome MC amongst many others. I feel great now, it’s nice to know I still have games to rely on when the going gets rought.

Blackout — Method Man & Redman | 12.8.2023

Alright. It’s been a long week, so let’s do some catch up.

I went to some concerts and listened to some music, but I mostly went to concerts. Concerts are insanely dope, but they also cut out ~4 hours from your life and make you tired as fuck. Case in point, I had a headache the entire day because LCD Soundsystem was too fucking loud. So I resolved to take a tylenol and smoke a bit, which further compelled me to watch How High, the terrible stoner comedy with Method Man & Redman, as well as listen to Blackout!, their brutally underrated collab album. Excellent CD to spin.

LCD Soundsystem was amazing though, as they always are. It was my favorite performance of “Losing My Edge” they’d ever done, and the old guy who told me “you have heart, buddy” essentially made my year. Sorry to the lady I wacked in the head.

“tonite” is off American Dream, which is my and many LCD heads’ least favorite LCDSS album. “tonite” is still good though, it’s a techno banger with some awesome lyrics about death, so into the playlist it goes.

The night before, I hit SILO to see Danny Brown. Tiny tiny venue, more on this later, but he encored with “Side B [Dope Song],” a song I’d never heard before but was amazing on the dancefloor, and a bitch likes to dance, so we’re gonna bump it.

The day before was Sexyy Red discourse day on Twitter, so that influenced my decision, but it was also just a nice reminder to have some fun. I’d been thinking too much about these concerts and how busy I’d be around them, and I was somewhat right, but listening to Sexyy Red like she has not one problem in the world was incredibly reassuring.

Next few days should be chill! I’m excited to slowly wrap up the semester, we’ll see if I can maintain my level of chill for the rest of the year. See you guys tomorrow!

tonite — LCD Soundsystem | 12.7.2023

Side B [Dope Song] — Danny Brown | 12.6.2023

Hellcats SRTs — Sexyy Red | 12.5.2023

MOJABI GHOST — Tainy ft. Bad Bunny | 12.4.2023

I’m waiting for something to happen again.

Today was boring, I was a bit malaise in my impatience. I can feel myself rounding the corner to an insane few weeks, for better or worse, but sitting here waiting for it to happen feels like nails on a chalkboard to me. I genuinely can’t name a significant thing that happened to me today, bar the book I bought that I’m excited to read, but even that feels significant to my impatience. I want to get to the impossible list of albums I want to hear, I want to read the trillion books I have waiting for me, and I want to move the fuck on. From what I’m not sure.

“MOJABI GHOST” is a cool song I finally decided as the best off the new Tainy record, it’s nice to hear Bad Bunny branch out from his usual sound and this just sounds great. It feels reminiscent to something I’ve heard before, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. It probably contributes to the comfort I feel around the song.

Danny Brown Wednesday, LCD Soundsystem Thursday. I got this.

XR2 — M.I.A. | 12.3.2023

Chill day where nothing super crazy happened, good recovery, I feel good about the upcoming week! Listened to a few CDs today, and I feel good about slowing down on year end stuff because I do think I’m going at a great pace; we’ll see how well that ages.

This is a reminder for myself that you have to do at least 45 minutes of work each day on your Business of Video Games final for the next weeks. Okay cool, see everyone tomorrow.

Chosen to Deserve — Wednesday | 12.2.2023

It was Shanparty!!! Shanparty was pretty awesome, played some good music and had a blast with some gooder people. It was really fun, not only because I did genuinely enjoy DJing, but because it was maybe the first time I felt like the word community worked in a situation like this. This was a group of people who were not just working together, but genuinely bonding and enjoying themselves off a common goal, and I was a part of that. It felt great, “Chosen to Deserve” was the moment that I got to reflect on that so I placed this one, but my favorite moment was Arca’s “Senorita” where a bunch of gays went nuts to the track, it was the moment I really felt like I had succeeded at my job.

Running Out of Time — Paramore | 12.1.2023

Forgor to do this last night, but we’re officially deep into top 50 season. I’m excited; stuff that I wrote off months ago is coming back to me now. Paramore and Jessie Ware were both early-year apparents for the list and relistening to them has only affirmed that.

I listened to “Freak Me Now” on the last day of a string of stressful days, which made its urgent need for catharsis incredible resonating. I had a relaxing night, finally, and it felt great to purge myself of all the stress and tension the last few days had accumulated.

“Running Out of Time” offers up a different perspective of the same dilemma, reaffirming my urgency and anxiety. Today didn’t necessarily feel any more stressful or urgent, quite the opposite actually, but the pressure to use your free days to do things you actually want to do mounts. I had a good day though; I’m sipping sleepytime tea in a wife beater and baking cookies — how much better could it get.

Shanparty is tomorrow and I’m brutally and painfully excited. People better listen to my tunes, though I guess I am forcing them to. Will keep you posted.

Freak Me Now — Jessie Ware | 11.30.2023

Death — Flatbush Zombies | 11.29.2023

I was kind of miserable today. I overloaded my day, just a bit. Went from work, to a class in Brooklyn, to a project in Queens, to a concert in Brooklyn. Poor planning on my end, but by the middle, man, I just wanted to go home. I’ve done a good job this year not being miserable, but I just wanted to soak in my misery, even if it was unwarranted.

Then the lady at the box office handed me a VIP wristband and I told myself “man never complain about shit again.” That was one of the coolest concerts I’ve ever been to, even if I found VIP to be pretty self righteous. I saw Joey Bada$$ do “Survival Tactics” to a fucking crowd in Brooklyn, what the hell? Why the fuck should I be complaining about any of this. My life is kinda awesome so I’m gonna stop being a bitch. Shoutout Flatbush Zombies.

Soft Landing — billy woods & Kenny Segal | 11.28.2023

Today was the first normal day in a lot of days, and it wasn’t even that normal. Work was weirdly chill, I didn’t go to the class I always go to, I dropped the ball on a project the hardest I’ve ever academically dropped a ball, and it turned out fine. It was also cold as hell, a nice welcome back temperature.

I bumped Maps for the trillionth time on my way to work, and “Soft Landing” felt accurate to the feeling of walking down the bright, frigid street. It also felt right to the sense of return, and although it is normal, I’m not sure it feels like it. Pressure is mounting and things are about to start moving fast, so buckle up, as instructed by the pilot

Also: I forgot “namesake” made its way onto a playlist of mine when the record came out, so I replaced it with “gospel?” I had hoped Noname would bring out woods to the show last night, but no such luck. STOUT did come out though, and she also gave one of the best opening performances I’ve ever seen in my life. Regardless, it’s an excellent track I’m happy to bump.

NEW gospel — Noname ft. $ilkMoney, billy woods, STOUT | 11.27.2023

OLD namesake — Noname | 11.27.2023

I went to a Noname concert today. I did a lot of things, but I mostly went to a Noname concert. It was pretty good! Venues still haven’t really figured out how to mix rap shows and BK Steel was a bit big for her, imo (though it seemed like she was close to selling it out?). “namesake” was kind of the standout, especially timely given some thoughts surrounding the morality of working in a moral-less, capitalist world. That’s too much for tonight though, I’m tired i’m going to sleep. goodnight.

Throw Away— Future | 11.26.2023

I finally spent some time in Atlanta today; did some record shopping, went to a gentrified market and had some food. The whole time, I itched to listen to some southern hip hop. Regionality matters much to me in music, I feel like it articulates a spirit akin to that of landmarks, or food.

I found some time to throw on Monster in between all the year-end listening I was doing. It has been my favorite Future project since I started listening to hip-hop, but I feel like I heard it with a clarity I hadn’t before. There was a sadness, a grief I really felt this time around. “Throw Away” is the pinnacle of that; it begins with a reassuring statement, saying little else than the mantra “It’s gon’ be okay, okay, oh, it’s gon’ be okay,” something I feel like I always need to hear. It turns into something far more dire, though. “Now do you feel better ‘bout yourself? Do you feel better by yourself? Did you feel better when I left?”

I don’t think I ever foresook (what?) trap music. It’s basically my bread and butter, the first music I really dove deep into were the products of Future, Young Thug, Travis Scott, Lil Uzi Vert, and others. But even in the moment, I felt like a lot of it wasn’t up to the quality par I was expecting, but there were obvious highlights I hold onto now; Monster being one of them, records like Jeffery and Rodeo among them (Anshu get off my ass about Rodeo it’s an easy categorization). I was quick to write off some material as repetitive and bland though; Future’s work post-2016, most of the Migos I grew up with, and mostly anything released in the 2020s.

Recently though, I’ve felt like trap music deserves somewhat of a reassessment. While at a point, I felt like a lot of this music was simply for the aesthetic, for the vibe, and that it was inarticulate in the language of hip hop I was specifically hoping to learn, I’ve realized it’s simply articulate in a different way. It’s a realization triggered by “Yesterday,” the finale on Chief Keef’s Almighty So. There is something so grandiose, so triumphant about the obviously artificial string section that beds Keef’s grotesque proclamations, “I’m fuckin’ on these hoes, I’m swaggin’ on these hoes, Let a try me, gat is gonna blow.” It’s enlightening and strengthening; I can picture the celebration. It makes me feel something. Where it lacks in lyrical articulation, it makes up in dividends in an emotional, even spiritual articulation.

In my favorite book, Hanif Aburraqib’s They Can’t Kill Us Until They Kill Us, there’s an excellent essay on Future, where he bridges the grief he felt surrounding the death of his mother with the grief Future delivers on his records of this era. Discussing the 2015–2016 era Monster precursored, when Future released two albums and three mixtapes as his life fell apart, Hanif writes: “There are as many ways to be heartbroken as there are hearts, and it is undeniable that it is exceptionally difficult to be both public-facing and sad. Future’s golden run was born out of a desire to bury himself. Rather, a desire to be both seen and unseen.”

I’m tired. I’m really tired. I’m tired in the way you’re tired after eating Chinese New Year dinner and then 婆婆 tells you to take the last few dumplings. My family does not extricate the words travel and vacation, and this was far more travel than vacation. Not exactly benefitting to me. When I go home, I have piles of STATIC and schoolwork and work work and people work in front of me; three weeks then zipped on back to the Bay. I’m grateful; I’m grateful for Atlanta and New Orleans and even Gulfport, Mississippi, where I somehow ended up, but I am tired. And I think I’m going to keep being tired.

It’s gon’ be okay, okay, oh, it’s gon’ be okay

Bucky Done Gun — M.I.A. | 11.25.2023

I was on the road for several hours today, what felt like eternity, really. I always appreciate these road trips days, more in concept than in actuality, because it gives me a chance to buckle down with some music and reading in a COVID-esque way I miss just a little bit.

In order, I listened to The Beatles’ Rubber Soul, Nujabes’ Modal Soul, Leonard Cohen’s Songs of Love and Hate, a little bit of Kali Uchis’ latest, the betcover!! record I’ve been pondering, Militarie Gun’s latest, M.I.A.’s Arular, a bit of QOTSA’s latest, a bit of Diners’ record, Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit’s Weathervanes, Genesis Owusu’s STRUGGLER, Laufey’s Bewitched, and Nick Drake’s Five Leaves Left, as I write. A good day, if I do say so.

Every year when I whittle down my top 50 list, the songs I rank always define the era, and I could have easily chosen something from Genesis Owusu or Jason Isbell, there’s great tracks on both records. I found “Bucky Done Gun” to be the perfect chaos to define the day though, a perfect middle ground between the quiet folk and the hardcore I slung today, along with everything in between. M.I.A.’s music has always evaded me as other, and other in a horizontal extension; it adds other sounds and ideas onto a foundation, rather than extending a sound into radical territory, like a lot of the vertically “other” music I listen to. Examples of the latter include Death Grips, Injury Reserve’s less abstract works, most hardcore punk, etc. while examples of the former include Bjork’s more fused material and most of Zappa’s works. Maybe more on that soon.

Do I posit myself as a lonely person? To everyone that knows me well, this is a pretty outlandish statement. I often find myself at the center of social circles, and plenty of them at that. Orchestra gave me an automatic dozen friends in high school, STATIC doing the same now. I always feel like I’m introducing someone to someone to someone. I’m certainly not anti-social — at least not in an extrapersonal context; my internal mullings may tell a different story.

I don’t necessarily extricate (new word I confirmed existed today) loneliness with sociability though, especially not in the crowds I witness. You can surround yourself with all the noise in the world, but if you’re not actually being heard, it’s as good as silence.

I don’t think I’m surrounded by noise, I do, however, consider myself to be the noise. I’m so noisy. I think I think and talk and work at a rate, passion, and pace that impossible to be heard. I recently told Leor that, when I first started pursuing music as a passion, I felt that few people took it seriously, which did hurt a little bit. I quickly reconciled with the fact that it was unreasonable to expect others to apply themselves to my interests the same way I apply myself; if someone talked at me about trains the same way I talked about Brian Eno, I would be pretty invalidating as well.

I do think I’m inherently lonely, in a different way than the people with no friends in college or no family in their 30s are. I love and appreciate the people surrounding me, and they are present and attentive, but I do think I am lonely and I’m not sure I would want it any other way.

I imagine myself running a marathon, the end goal murky but the path clear. There are people running the same race as me, but I cannot see their faces. When they do reveal themselves, they never stay for too long, or there is a distance between them and I that makes me feel alone all the same. I haven’t decided whether there’s a cheering audience yet.

Forever Close My Eyes — Dalek | 11.24.2023

Damn, these songs have power.

In April ’22, I was listening to music too fast, and little of it was sticking with me, so I decided to start making playlists based on a song a day. Every ‘era’ was split into a playlist, though what defines the era remains murky. This is gone on for about a year and a half now, and I think I’ve been pretty successful at creating memorable relationships with these sets of songs.

I reminisced for a bit on the summer of 2022 today and decided to scroll through the playlist I had made for the summer. I titled it “and now, we wait,” which ended up being pretty apt to what I felt during the time. Stuck, helpless, but ultimately excited for the payoff of heading to New York.

Just looking at the track list was powerful enough, but actually spinning the playlist really threw me back. Steve Lacy’s “Static” felt like falling asleep on the CalTrain to and from San Francisco, when I was dedicated to writing my every thought on every album in my notebook and insisted on hanging out every few days in Haight-Ashbury. How I wish I had discovered the pleasures of marijuana then.

As I write, “The Big Sky” blares, reminding me of one of the many LA trips I took that year, in which I played Hounds of Love and debated the merits of Kate Bush with my father. This was during the “Running Up That Hill” craze, and my dad insisted Kate Bush as just another 80s pop pastiche, while I defended her as a pioneer and a trendsetter. When the time came to select a song for the playlist, I decided to be subversive and go for “The Big Sky,” even if “Running” cast a larger shadow on that conversation; plus, “Running” had found its place on the previous playlist, barring it from placement on this one, according to my personal, made up rules surrounding this daily tradition.

I’m stuck in Mississippi and the only thing keeping me alive is the short times of day I can stick in my ear buds and listen to my rotation of 2023 music, as I wrap up my year end lists, and the folk and rap records that I’ve chosen to burden myself with. I listened to Cut Chemist and DJ Shadow’s Brainfreeze DJ mix today, which rocked my world more than anything, but it’s hard to pick a single song out of it. I went with something off Dalek’s From Filthy Tongue of Gods and Griots. Funny enough, the last time I listened to a Dalek record was under similar circumstances, when I embarked on a cross country road trip, from California to New York, to drop my sister off at school. I’d be hard pressed to remember anything from Absence, the record I heard then, I don’t think I was prepared to listen to something like that in any way, though I do remember enjoying it.

Man, this track is nuts. The record as a whole feels thirty years too early, even compared to its avant-garde peers, but “Forever Close My Eyes” in particular feels like rap’s “Tomorrow Never Knows.” The percussive strings bounce around and the electric guitars patter while the drums say constant — it feels like you can draw a direct line between Dalek’s raps with abstract leaders these days like woods.

I listened to it while waking from a grog, having accidentally fallen asleep to the record, and it was surreal, like my surroundings were suddenly abstracted by the lethargy of the track. It’s a climatic penultimate track, I think I’m finally ready to enjoy something of this nature.

I’m starting this project a few years too late; literally a few years, it’s pretty weird to think I’ve been consistently at this for a year and a half, though I guess it’s not a hard commitment. I’m not too sure what this is going to look like either; it may be a nice thing to add to my nightly routine to replace revenge bedtime procrastination, but I highly doubt I’ll actually write something every day. Maybe it’ll be every few days. Maybe it’ll be no days. I don’t even know who’s going to read this. I probably shouldn’t publicize every corner of my life right? That can’t be great on the mental, no brain is meant to be turned inside out for the world to see. But I guess it’s what I feel like doing.

Maybe I’ll make a cute graphic for this one, check in every few days when I have a chance to recap the days.

“Int’l Players Anthem” is on now, I’m gonna enjoy this song and try and figure out what I was doing that compelled me to add this on…July 27, 2022. Kachow.